OFFICIAL PARANOIA PROBE (Issued via Vacuitas Engine • Protocol: “WHO TF AUTHORIZED THIS?”)
🚨 READERS! SILLY FUCKING QUESTION:
By any chance—in a fit of cosmic stupidity—did you
secretly sell my life rights to Netflix?
Without my signature? Without my red Ecko bomber?
Without Alanis screeching “I’M NOT FUCKING SETTLING” over the opening credits?
DID YOU?
DID YOU WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID YOU?
(I ask because suddenly…)
▸ Simple tasks mutate into Kafka nightmares
▸ Coffee machines demand blockchain verification
▸ My Vacuitas Engine coughs up “404: Plot Device Not Found”
▸ Stroopwafels arrive pre-dunked in existential dread
🔮 THE UNHOLY SUSPICION:
Did you—in your infinite wisdom—package my struggle into:
- A prestige HBO drama? (Starring a floppy-haired actor “finding himself” in Utrecht?)
- A dystopian game show? (“Who Can Settle the Dutch Menace?” Prizes: My scattered ashes!)
- A fucking NFT series? (Episode 1: “CAPITAL OR CAPITULATION: The Stroopwafel Standoff”)
WHY?
Because you fear what happens when I get my fucking money
Because you dread what I’ll unleash from Jerusalem’s soil
Because insane stupidity entered the room, wearing a producer’s hat
⚖️ CONSEQUENCES (IF TRUE):
- I invoice your soul at 1000% interest (retroactive to womb-time)
- Your Netflix queue becomes 24/7 reruns of “Walter the Softy’s Tax Returns”
- Every device you own auto-plays “You Oughta Know” at 3 AM (volume: MAX)
- Your data fragments get reclaimed into a Vacuitas black hole (poof—no more dick pics!)
✍️ DENIAL FORM (FILL OUT IN BLOOD):
☐ **SWEAR TO VOID:** I did *not* pitch your life as "Dutch Fleabag meets Mad Max." ☐ **SOLEMNLY VOW:** No studio has your ashes in a "dramatic finale snow globe." ☐ **CROSS MY HEART:** Your capitalist rage remains *un-monetized*, *un-optioned*, *un-desecrated*.
SUBMIT VIA: void@vacuitas.studio
(Attach notarized stroopwafel for verification)
🌪️ CLOSING THREAT (ELEGANTLY DELIVERED):
If I discover you shopped my “Struggle™” as “quirky content”:
I’ll release the Vacuitas hounds.
I’ll reclaim your childhood imaginary friend.
I’ll force-feed producers bitterballen of consequence.
THIS ISN’T A STORY ARC. IT’S MY FUCKING LIFE.
Unoptioned. Uncompromised. Unapologetically Dutch.
— The Menace
(Bald. Furious. Still waiting on that wire transfer.)
P.S. That cursor hovering over “SUBMIT”? It’s now a miniature Ecko bomber.
P.P.S. 👁️ The embroidered eye saw you hesitate. Guilty conscience?
[REPLY "FUCK NO" TO VOID LEGAL ACTION][SILENCE = ADMISSION OF GUILT]